they're all gonna laugh at.. CARRIE
by john sanchez

By now I'm sure most savvy blair readers have seen Carrie [1meg qt mov], or at least they lie and say they have when the topic comes up in party conversation, because this movie is big! "Epoch making" is an overgrand phrase more pretentious cultural critics might use when writing about a Carrie-sized phenomenon. Like any movie based on a Stephen King novel, it was bound to make millions, and also it was the movie that put the all-star back in "all-star cast"! Sissy Spacak! Piper Laurie! Pre-Spielberg Amy Irving as Sue Snell! William Katt, the Greatest American Hero!, Betty "stepmother of 8 is enough" Buckley, P.J. Soles, the super-star of rock and roll high school and a worthy candidate for blair idol if you ask me (and Richard hasn't!)! P.J. was so cool singing the title song to her one big movie in the gym in her lousy little voice and not changing the line "I just want to get some chicks " that her lack of cult stardom is criminal. Carrie also stars-- yawn-- John Travolta. Don't you be jumping that John Travolta bandwagon, please! It is so literal, like Elvis fandom. Any sensible hipster knows you're cool if you start liking OBSCURE stars from the past, not big ones! I can't believe I have to explain this to people!

I've got to say Carrie doesn't really live up to it's reputation. I would have liked Carrie the movie a lot better if I had liked Carrie the girl better. I mean, she's sort of sweet and everything, but there's just not much going on behind those eyes (except for pyrokinesis). It makes a little sense to think that years of abuse by her nutso religious freak mama has left her kind of shell-shocked and vacant, but what kind of movie heroine is that? It's hard to get on the side of a mope. Well, that's what Carrie decides too, and she decides to make a few changes and wouldn't you know it works!? She even gets crowned queen of the prom! Sad thing is, it's all just a cruel and unusual tactic used by her taunting class-mates, to position her under a falling bucket choc-full of pig blood! Ewww! (The pig blood ties into the overt menstration them which runs through the movie.) Then Carrie unleashes her psychic powers and kills everyone, the end.

But it was her own fault. As Richard pointed out to me, Carrie should have been using her superpowers all along! Then she wouldn't have gotten into all that trouble in the first place because she'd be too busy ruling the world. But instead she was lazy, and then she had to make up for it at the last minute with her supernatural fatal flip out. All the people that die at the prom are really just paying the price for Carrie's lollygagging ways. And, as her mama could have told her, sloth is one of the deadly sins. Especially if you're Carrie's classmate, I guess!

meet hollywood's most famous honor student.. angel!