Madame vs. Lester vs. Lady Elaine Fairchild

Well to start off with it's not really a fair fight. It's two wealthy white women puppets versus a nappy, and thus presumably poor, black puppet. Yes, you may be outraged by this assumption but I am forced to raise it due to the fact that 1) Lester's' career is over, 2) I don't see any royalties coming in the near future, and 3) he's a minority. We all know life is tough for a black puppet, and I have no sympathy. To be honest, I never liked Lester. For those of you who don't remember, he was the black ventriloquist's dummy with glasses who did Saturday Morning promos for ABC and various other kiddie variety shows. I also heard he did a brief stint on Laugh-In, but to me he was nothing more than a white man trapped in a black puppet's body. That's not appealing at all.

Speaking of not appealing, neither is rosacea. Which brings me to Lady Elaine Fairchild of Mister Rogers' fame, who always reminded me of my Aunt Midge. Though a proposed "Fairchild", Elaine has what I believe to be rosacea, the dubious skin disorder which swells and reddens the nose and cheeks, most likely due to heavy alcoholism. This skin disease is very prominent in the German community, so I am forced to presume she was German. Not to mention the fact she wore a turtleneck every day and lived in a "museum-go-round" - an analogy for the sterile, cold, and lonely life a German woman must endure. Life as a piece of "art work", as a spectacle, has driven many a star to drinking which is why I have sympathy for Ms. Fairchild, where I had none or Lester. When Elaine wasn't twirling about the museum-go-round she was busy giving advice to the idiot citizens of Makebelieve which would have certainly brought the bottle to my lips! So for Lady Elaine Fairchild's humanitarian and philanthropic efforts, I believe she should receive grand kudos from the puppet, and the human community alike!

Unfortunately not all human and puppet relations go as well as those between Ms. Fairchild and the citizens of Makebelieve. In fact, some of these relationships warp from a perfectly healthy symbiotic human/puppet partnership to one of devastating tragedy! I can find no finer example than the disturbing "Madame vs. Wayland Flowers" relationship. I believe Madame, of Solid Gold, Hollywood Squares and once her own tv show fame ("top that!, Lester you negro!") - that's Madame speaking not me! is the finest puppet of today!... yes, today!

True, the gay Wayland Flowers suffered an aidsy demise and was buried with his beloved Madame. But she is still alive in my heart, and isn't that all a puppet needs? Madame is just dripping with good ol' fashioned personality! In fact I believe that if an old Japanese woman were to stick her hand inside of Madame, Madame would not take on the personality of the old Japanese woman, but the old Japanese woman would take on the personality of Madame! Madame was always the top billing next to Wayland. Poor gay Wayland was literally forced to cower behind his fabulous "Frankenstein". He couldn't live without her. In fact, he was forced to live through her! America doesn't want to see a messy queen but they LOVE a sassy old lady. Look at the Golden Girls for example. You know some fag was like
"I have this fabulous idea. Four gay guys live together in Miami. One's sassy, one's sexy, one's stupid, and the other one is tall and ugly and they sit and gossip around a cheesecake!"
The producer was like "Switch the fags for old ladies and it's a hit!"

Anyhow I hope you see through that example how there was just no place for wayward Wayland. He was always second best... and tragically, to a puppet! Which is what killed him I'm sure, but that doesn't stop my love of Madame. The fag may have died, I don't care, Madame lives forever! I'm sure she's clawing and scratching her way with ancient puppet fingers through the satin-lined coffin, driven both by the horror of Wayland's decomposing corpse and an undying desire to be back on top. Hopefully she'll make it back in time to reclaim center square on the New Hollywood Squares with Whoopi Goldberg!

For those of you who feel the same way about her, do her and the rest of us a favor- go dig up Wayland Flowers' grave! The woman is buried alive! But if you're not up for ditch digging, which I can't blame you for, you can always catch her on Solid Gold on VH-1 Tuesday through Friday at 1:30.

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