Unfortunately not all human and puppet relations go as well as
those between Ms. Fairchild and the citizens of Makebelieve. In
fact, some of these relationships warp from a perfectly healthy
symbiotic human/puppet partnership to one of devastating
tragedy! I can find no finer example than the disturbing "Madame
vs. Wayland Flowers" relationship. I believe Madame, of Solid Gold,
Hollywood Squares and once her own tv show fame ("top that!,
Lester you negro!") - that's Madame speaking not me! is the finest
puppet of today!... yes, today!
For those of you who feel the same way about her, do her and the
rest of us a favor- go dig up Wayland Flowers' grave! The woman
is buried alive! But if you're not up for ditch digging, which I can't blame you for, you can always catch her on Solid Gold on VH-1 Tuesday through Friday at 1:30.
Well to start off with it's not really a fair fight. It's two wealthy
white women puppets versus a nappy, and thus presumably poor,
black puppet. Yes, you may be outraged by this assumption but I
am forced to raise it due to the fact that 1) Lester's' career is over,
2) I don't see any royalties coming in the near future, and 3) he's a
minority. We all know life is tough for a black puppet, and I have
no sympathy. To be honest, I never liked Lester. For those of you
who don't remember, he was the black ventriloquist's dummy with
glasses who did Saturday Morning promos for ABC and various
other kiddie variety shows. I also heard he did a brief stint on
Laugh-In, but to me he was nothing more than a white man
trapped in a black puppet's body. That's not appealing at all.
Speaking of not appealing, neither is rosacea.
Which brings me to
Lady Elaine Fairchild of Mister Rogers' fame, who always reminded
me of my Aunt Midge. Though a proposed "Fairchild", Elaine has what I believe to be rosacea, the dubious skin disorder which swells and reddens the nose and cheeks, most likely due to heavy
alcoholism. This skin disease is very prominent in the German community, so I am forced to presume she was German. Not to mention the fact she wore a turtleneck every day and lived in a "museum-go-round" - an analogy for the sterile, cold, and lonely
life a German woman must endure. Life as a piece of "art work", as
a spectacle, has driven many a star to drinking which is why I have
sympathy for Ms. Fairchild, where I had none or Lester. When
Elaine wasn't twirling about the museum-go-round she was busy
giving advice to the idiot citizens of Makebelieve which would have certainly brought the bottle to my lips! So for Lady Elaine
Fairchild's humanitarian and philanthropic efforts, I believe she
should receive grand kudos from the puppet, and the human
community alike!
True, the gay Wayland Flowers suffered an aidsy demise and was
buried with his beloved Madame. But she is still alive in my heart,
and isn't that all a puppet needs? Madame is just dripping with
good ol' fashioned personality! In fact I believe that if an old
Japanese woman were to stick her hand inside of Madame, Madame
would not take on the personality of the old Japanese woman, but
the old Japanese woman would take on the personality of Madame!
Madame was always the top billing next to Wayland. Poor gay
Wayland was literally forced to cower behind his fabulous
"Frankenstein". He couldn't live without her. In fact, he was forced
to live through her! America doesn't want to see a messy queen
but they LOVE a sassy old lady. Look at the Golden Girls for
example. You know some fag was like
"I have this fabulous idea.
Four gay guys live together in Miami. One's sassy, one's sexy, one's
stupid, and the other one is tall and ugly and they sit and gossip
around a cheesecake!"
The producer was like "Switch the fags for
old ladies and it's a hit!"
Anyhow I hope you see through that example how there was just
no place for wayward Wayland. He was always second best... and
tragically, to a puppet! Which is what killed him I'm sure, but that
doesn't stop my love of Madame. The fag may have died, I don't
care, Madame lives forever! I'm sure she's clawing and scratching
her way with ancient puppet fingers through the satin-lined coffin,
driven both by the horror of Wayland's decomposing corpse and an
undying desire to be back on top. Hopefully she'll make it back in
time to reclaim center square on the New Hollywood Squares with Whoopi Goldberg!
